Courage
by Ryleigh Hayle
Summary: Kurt bought me a beautiful (and expensive-looking) journal and told me that I should start writing everything down that's going through my head right now. I know he's just trying to help me, so I'm going to give it a try. For Kurt. Because I would do anything for him.
1. November 26 10:16pm

Please visit ** courage-journal** on **Tumblr** for an amazing in-depth view of Blaine's Journal

* * *

November 26

10:16pm

I don't really understand what I'm supposed to write in here.

Kurt bought me this beautiful (and probably insanely expensive) journal, but I don't really know what to say.

I know he just wants me to talk.

They all want me to talk.

But I can't.

They don't understand.

Every time I open my mouth, I just feel like I'm going to disappoint them.

I'm afraid that I'm going to wake up and find out that this is all just another dream.

Is this all in my head? Or is it really over?

Have I finally lost my mind completely and I'm making this all up? Like some kind of coping mechanism?

I don't think I can handle it if it's just another dream.

The thought of waking up and being back there again...

**I can't go back.**


	2. November 27 01:23am

Please visit ** courage-journal** on **Tumblr** for an amazing in-depth view of Blaine's Journal

* * *

November 27

1:23am

Kurt is sleeping.

I didn't want to wake him up (again).

I did actually manage to sleep for a little bit, but then the nightmares came back and I woke up.

At least I didn't scream this time.

I hate seeing how freaked out he looks when I wake up screaming like that.

He thinks that I don't notice when he worries about me. But I do.

Mr. Hummel is coming back in the morning.

I still can't believe that they want me to come and stay with them.

After I bailed on them last time, I thought they'd never want to see me again. I hope they don't feel obligated to take care of me.

It's not like I did anything to deserve their trust.

Kurt could have died because of me.

Anyways, I'm gonna try and go back to sleep.

Yeah, right.


	3. November 27 03:31am

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* * *

November 27

3:31am

I hit him.

Oh god, I actually hit him.

He was only trying to help me and I...

**Fuck.**

(Am I even allowed to swear in here?)

The worst part was that he didn't even get upset.

He didn't hit me back, or yell at me.

He didn't even move off the bed.

If anything, he moved closer. Held me tighter.

Why?

What did I ever do to deserve him?


	4. November 27 04:53am

Please visit ** courage-journal** on **Tumblr** for an amazing in-depth view of Blaine's Journal

* * *

November 27

4:53am

I woke up again.

No screams or violence this time.

Maybe I'm too tired to Fight.

Kurt's still here.

He hasn't left.

He looks so tired.

He should be - He's been up all night **babysitting** me again.

I hate this hospital.

I hate this lumpy pillow.

I hate that I can't even get out of bed on my own.

I have to pee.

I hate that I can't even make my own legs work well enough so I can get up and take a piss.

I hate this place.


	5. November 27 05:09am

Please visit ** courage-journal** on **Tumblr** for an amazing in-depth view of Blaine's Journal

* * *

Yep it's still - November 27

5:09am

I don't know why I keep writing in here.

I guess I have nothing better to do.

Kurt is pretending to be asleep.

I've all but given up.

It's after 5am now - What's the point?

Maybe I'll check out some of the music on my iPhone...


	6. November 27 10:31am

November 27

10:31am

He just helped me pee.

I can't even describe how stupid and helpless I feel right now.

Kurt is amazing. He never bats an eye, and is always willing to help me, but I just feel like I can't give him anything in return.

I mean, I can't even walk to the bathroom and take a piss without help right now.

I'm sure he has better things to do than sit here all day and night babysitting me.

Why is he even still here?

It's not his fault that this all happened. He really had nothing to do with any of it.

It's my fault.

I caused this.

I did it to myself.

I let that filthy, disgusting...

No, I can't talk about him.

I won't.


	7. November 27 10:42am

November 27

10:42am

I can't stop thinking about the blood tests.

I just...

I don't even know what to say.

What if...

**Kurt should stay away from me.**

**I shouldn't let him touch me anymore.**

Fuck.

I still don't know what to say.


	8. November 27 11:11am

November 27

11:11am

**I walked!**

I didn't think I'd be able to again. Everything hurt so much the first time I tried.

But Kurt helped me! He held me tight and told me that he'd** 'Never let me Fall'.**

Abby is here! It's so good to see her. (Even though she called me 'Blainey' again.)

We went all the way down the hallway. Patty was very excited to see me up and about too!

But the funniest part was when Mr. Hummel came. I don't think he expected to see me out WALKING down the hallway! He swore so loud!

He had the biggest smile and I think he even looked proud! Of me!

The best part of the whole thing was when Kurt told me he was proud of me.

He even cried a little bit.

I don't know what I would do without him.

I know I have to be careful right now, just in case I'm ... sick.

But he means too much to me, so I can't push him away anymore.

I don't think I can ignore him anymore - Even if I wanted to.

I couldn't have done this without him.

He's so special.

Mr. Hummel is getting everything ready, and then we're headed home! **HOME!**


	9. November 27 12:16pm

November 27

12:16pm

We're in the car now, on our way to the Hummel's house!

Sorry if my writing is really messy, there are lots of bumps in the road.

Mr. Hummel is so cool.

Even though I can kinda walk now, the nurses made him and Kurt take me out in a wheelchair.

He was very careful with me when we went out to the car. He offered to lift me and set me in on the seat but I didn't want him to hurt his back so I kind of just flopped in.

It hurt, but Mr. Hummel was ready for me - he brought a bunch of pillows and blankets with him and he made double sure I was comfortable before he started driving.

The bumps in the road kind of hurt, but Kurt is sitting beside me holding my hand, so it's not so bad.

Mr. Hummel keeps peeking in the rear-view mirror and smiling at me.

He has the best smile.

It makes his eyes twinkle and he gets these crinkly little lines at the corners of both of them that make him look kind of old.

**Kurt has the best dad in the world.**


	10. November 27 12:31pm

November 27

12:31pm

Uggghhh, this is horrible.

The bumps in the road are hurting me so bad. Every single tiny one is sending this horrible shockwave of pain up me.

I'm trying so hard not to cry.

I saw Mr. Hummel look in the mirror at me and I tried really hard not to let him see how much it hurts.

His face looked sad.

I don't want him to have to stop the car.

I have to be brave.

And strong.

Kurt just texted me asking if I was ok.

I don't think he believed me when I said I was fine.

I tried holding my breath, but sometimes I can't help but gasp and squeeze my eyes shut for the really big bumps.

I feel like I'm going to be sick...

12:36pm

Kurt knows.

He just took my hand and helped me lay down on my side.

He says were almost home.

God... I hope so.


	11. November 27 8:00pm

November 27

I'm not really sure what time it is. My phone is in my pants pocket and I can't reach it.

Probably like 8pm ish

I'm in the tub.

Like a real bathtub with real bubbles. ( Lots of bubbles! )

Even though it was hard to get in at first, Carole helped me and now it feels amazing.

I'm trying to be careful and not get the pages wet. Sorry for any smudges.

I finally made it to the Hummel's house. I had a rest then Carole brought Kurt and I some homemade soup and then Burt showed me the room.

My room.

I still can't really believe it.

He cleaned out an entire room and they decorated it and put in furniture.

Just for me.

I do feel really bad that it used to be Kurt's mom's sewing room. I think he feels weird being in there. I hope it doesn't make him sad.

I hate that they all have to do so much for me. They shouldn't have to help me with everything. I just feel so helpless, like I depend on them for everything. I couldn't even get into the damn bathtub without Carole's help.

It sucks.

I also hate the way that they all stare at me.

It's like they're all waiting for me to freak out and crumble or something.

I just wish that everything could stop being so weird and tense all the time.

I just want to be normal.


	12. November 27 10:32pm

November 27

10:32pm

I just woke up.

I was hoping that Kurt would still be here with me, but he must have gone downstairs to bed.

I really wanted to ask him to stay, but I need to grow up.

I'm almost seventeen for God's sake.

Surely, I can sleep by myself.

My bath was really nice.

Kurt ended up coming in just after I finished writing my last entry.

He made fun of me because I dropped the soap (twice), but then I splashed him, so we're even.

It felt really good to laugh with him again. I miss that.

Kurt even helped me wash my back. I thought it might be weird, but it wasn't. It felt comfortable.

But even though it felt really really **REALLY** good, I couldn't help but think about it.

What if I AM sick?

I'm so scared. What if I have some disease or something and Kurt never talks to me again?

He'll think I'm disgusting and dirty and horrible.

Yuck. I don't want to think about that right now.

I want to think about good things. Like my bath. And my new room.

I still can't believe they gave me my own room.

I'm even sitting at my own desk right now writing this. How amazing is that?

The best part about my room is the bulletin board above the ( my! ) desk - Kurt made this awesome collage thing from letters out of a magazine. (Probably Vogue).

It says **COURAGE**.

I'm gonna take a picture of it with my phone and use it as my background so I always remember to be strong and brave -Just like Kurt.

He's so amazing. I don't know how he always knows what words I need to hear.

It's like he knows what I'm thinking... all the time.

Okay... I'm going to try and go back to sleep now.

Wish me luck!

:)

( Kurt makes me smile! )


	13. November 28 1:09am

November 28

1:09am

Fuck.

I just woke up and kinda freaked out a little bit.

At first I couldn't remember where I was and I completely panicked.

I thought I was back there...

I must have been having a nightmare about being back at the motel with him because I woke up in a cold sweat and felt like I was going to be sick. I made sure to be quiet so I didn't wake anyone up.

I can still feel his hands all over me.

I hate that I can't get a decent sleep without being plagued by these stupid nightmares.

I actually got out of bed and locked the door.

Then I just stared at it for like... _ever_... waiting for something bad to happen.

I'm so tired of feeling like this.

I wish I'd never gone to that stupid dance.

I wish my parents never found out about me.

I wish I'd never been kicked out of Dalton.

And I **really** wish that I'd never even gone to that disgusting motel in the first place.

If I'd known that's what he wanted, I would have figured out a different way to make money for school.

Without letting him turn me into some disgusting, useless whore.

I let it happen.

**I just want to stop feeling like I'm a bad person...**


	14. November 28 2:21am

November 28

2:21am

God, I'm such an idiot.

I woke up screaming and made everyone freak out. They were all so worried about me.

I feel so bad. I didn't mean to wake everyone up.

It was another one of the same dreams Nightmares that I've been having.

I was back in the motel and he was trying to make me blow him again.

It's so horrible.

It's almost like I can still taste him on my tongue.

Then, when I tried to get away he hit me really hard and I fell onto that brown cupboard.

Then he pushed me onto that stupid table and used the straps to hold me down again.

Just when he was going to rape me again, there's a knock on the door and I heard Kurt telling me he was there to save me.

I tried to scream at Kurt to get away but he kept knocking and I was so scared that the man was going to hurt him too.

It was awful.

I guess I woke up and heard Mr. Hummel knocking on my bedroom door and it really freaked me out.

They couldn't get in because it was locked.

I really really worried them this time.

Kurt offered to stay here with me but I told him to go downstairs. I said I didn't need him.

**I lied.**

I wish he would have stayed, but I didn't want him to be uncomfortable in here.

It used to be his mom's sewing room and he said it makes him sad.

I hate it when Kurt is sad.

But I really wish he would have stayed with me.


	15. November 28 8:43am

November 28

8:43am

**I fell.**

I tried to get out of bed by myself because I had to pee, but when I stood up the pain was so bad that my legs gave out.

I banged my head on the nightstand and landed really hard on the floor.

I couldn't even reach my hands out to stop myself because of this stupid sling.

It hurt so bad.

I laid there on the floor crying like a little baby for almost 10 minutes.

I couldn't breathe and it felt like my whole body was burning from the inside out.

I tried to call out for Kurt but it was like I couldn't convince the words to come out of my mouth.

All I could do was gasp and cry and try to catch my breath.

I was so scared when I couldn't breathe.

It kinda felt like I was gonna die.

Finally I was able to reach up and find my phone on the nightstand, so I texted Kurt but he didn't reply.

I wasn't even sure if I would even be able to speak because everything hurt so bad, but I tried to call him too... several times.

He didn't answer.

That made me cry even more.

He said that he would always come if I needed him.

**But he didn't.**

The worst part was that I was almost happy before all of this. Yeah - **Happy**.

When I woke up this morning I found a note from Kurt saying he was in the kitchen.

I wasn't even scared because I knew he wouldn't leave me alone.

Or, at least, I thought he wouldn't.

Now I'm not so sure.

For once I was feeling so happy that I almost forgot about everything for a second, until it all came crashing back down.

Literally.


	16. November 28 9:41am

November 28

9:41am

I wasn't going to tell Kurt that I fell, but he found out when he saw my texts.

He was pretty upset.

I felt awful.

I should have known that he'd never abandon me.

It's Kurt. Of course he wouldn't.

I'm so glad that he never came in and found me on the floor.

He would have been so sad.

I know he would have blamed himself.

He's so good to me.

He always finds ways to talk to me and help me ' talk ' back.

I just wish he didn't have to look after me all the time.

Someone needs to look after him too.

I've seen how tired he is.

He looks even more pale than usual and he's too thin.

I wish someone could take care of him.


	17. November 28 10:07am

November 28

10:07am

Kurt sang to me.

**HE. SANG. TO. ME.**

He played this beautiful song on his iPod, and he actually sang the lyrics to me.

I can't even believe it.

I've heard him sing a few times before, but for some reason... this was just... different.

He held my hand and looked at me the whole time. It sent chills up my spine.

**And his eyes...**

I don't know how I've not noticed how many different colors they are; Blue and green and silver with these amazing little specks of gold.

Like tiny golden stars.

It felt like I was hypnotized or something.

I couldn't move and I couldn't breathe.

**He takes my breath away.**


	18. November 28 1:16pm

November 28

1:16pm

We just finished lunch.

Carole made this amazing citrus chicken and salad. I didn't eat very much of it, because I feel like I'm already imposing on them just by being here.

They've all been so kind to me.

Burt is always watching me. I think he's afraid I'm going to rob the place or something. Carole always looks at me and smiles. I love her smile so much.

Kurt... Has literally not left my side since our little 'communication error' this morning. (That's what we've decided to call my mini-meltdown.) We sat on the couch for a little while and then he went and got Thumpy and we watched Bambi together. (We both cried when Bambi's mom died)

It was awesome. I haven't watched cartoons since I was little.

My dad always told me cartoons were for babies.

Kurt was running his fingers through my hair while we were watching the movie and he found the bump on my head that I got when I crashed into the nightstand this morning.

He kind of freaked out and apologized a bunch of times, but then he paused the movie and went to find me a bag of frozen peas to put on it.

It feels better already.

After that, we finished watching the movie underneath my mink blanket on the couch.

Burt and Carole didn't even seem to mind.

They kept checking in on us but every single time I noticed them out of the corner of my eye...

**They were always smiling.**


	19. November 28 4:29pm

November 28

4:29pm

'Save You' by Simple Plan

I decided to try one of the other pens that Kurt got for me. This is a nice color, isn't it?

It reminds me of the color of Kurt's eyes when he wears his blue sweater.

Kurt and I downloaded some new music this afternoon.

I added a bunch of new songs to my playlists - even some new Katy Perry!

He also downloaded the original version of 'Save You' - the amazing song he sang for me yesterday, (but his version was so much better.)

I'm listening to it right now!

Kurt brought his laptop up from his bedroom in the basement and we sat on the couch listening to music for a little bit. He even sang me a few more songs!

I love it when he sings to me.

He sounds like an angel.

I would love to sing with him sometime.

I miss singing.

And playing the piano too! I miss that so much!

I was thinking about asking Kurt if I could play the piano that is in the living room, but it was his mom's and it doesn't look like it's been played in a long time.

It probably makes him sad.


	20. November 28 7:21pm

November 28

7:41pm

'It's Time' by Imagine Dragons

We played Pictionary after dinner tonight.

Even Mr. Hummel and Carole joined in!

We each got our own whiteboard and we wrote our names on the top before we started.

It was really funny.

We took turns picking the cards to draw while everyone else guessed.

I never guessed out loud, but a couple of times I knew what Kurt was drawing before anyone else guessed it.

My favorite was trying to watch Mr. Hummel draw. He's not a very good artist at all!

I tried not to laugh, but it was so funny cuz he sticks his tongue out when he concentrates.

By the end of the game everyone was giggling at him. He tried to look grumpy but his eyes were twinkling just like Kurt's do when he's trying to hide a smile.

They told me that I won the game, but I think they just said it to be nice.

I really like it here. They're such a perfect family.

**I wish I could stay here forever.**


	21. November 28 9:19pm

November 28

9:19pm

'You and Me' by Lifehouse

I had another bath tonight.

I just got out actually and I kind of look like a raisin cuz I was in there for so long.

It wasn't quite as hard getting into the tub this time and Kurt made sure the water was the perfect temperature.

Kurt didn't pour in as many bubbles as Carole did, but he put in some of his favorite moisturizing stuff instead.

It smelled so nice, like flowers and rain and... Kurt.

He helped me get into the tub, and then he sat on the floor next to me like he did last night.

We didn't even have to say anything, because he sang me a couple of songs really quietly and then we just kinda... sat there. But it wasn't even awkward.

I really appreciate him not pushing me to talk about things.

I'm just not ready yet.

My bath was so beautiful and relaxing that I almost fell asleep in the tub.

Then Kurt helped me wash my back again. It felt so nice.

He's so gentle and careful and his hands are so warm.

Kurt says he's going sleeping in my room with me tonight instead of downstairs in his own bed.

I like it when he stays next to me.

**I always feel safe and warm when he's here.**


	22. November 29 11:54am

November 29

11:54am

'Dark Side' by Kelly Clarkson

I've been getting a few texts from people lately.

Nick has texted me a couple times to see how I'm doing, and Jeff stole his phone and sent me a text just a few minutes ago.

I really miss those guys.

We had so much fun.

Most of our texts are just small talk. I haven't told Nick about everything that happened. I don't know how much he knows, and I don't know how much he's told Jeff.

I can't imagine that he knows everything... or else, why would they still be talking to me?

Do they really think I'm good enough to still be their friend after all this?

They probably don't know.

Puck texted me this morning too. Kurt said he has been asking about me so he finally gave him my new cell number. But Kurt told me I don't have to answer if I don't want to.

I do kinda want to, but I really don't want to have to explain what happened and why I'm not in school right now.

I hate thinking about it, and talking about it is even worse.

I don't know what I should do...


	23. November 29 4:38pm

November 29

4:38pm

'Good to You' by Marianas Trench

Coach Beiste came here!

She stopped by for a few minutes to say hi to me.

She brought me some really yummy cookies and a little teddy bear!

A friend for Thumpy!

Apparently some of the faculty heard that I was in the hospital and she was worried.

She said that she did some snooping around and found out that I was staying with the Hummels so she decided to pop in and make sure that I was okay.

I've always really liked Coach. She encouraged me when I played football and always gave me a fair shot. Most people laughed when I said that I wanted to play, because I'm so short.

I wouldn't have been half the football player without her guidance.

I think she also knew that I was in trouble before... all of this happened. That day out on the football field, she kept me behind until the rest of the guys were out of the locker room. I think she knew that they'd been very ignorant to me when Karofsky outed me before practice.

God, that was an awful day.

I just wanted to help Kurt.

I mean... I'm glad I helped him,. I felt so bad for him being bullied and stuff every single day. I just wish I would have stood up for him sooner.

I'm a coward.

I hope that Karofsky and Azimio are leaving him alone now.

I wasn't there to protect him while I was stuck in that horrible motel.

But... I was protecting him from something much, much worse... right?


	24. November 29 5:45pm

November 29

5:45pm

**Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.**

Sebastian just texted me.

It has to be him. He said he stole Nick's phone to get my new number.

**Fuck**.

I don't know what to do!

He sounds so pissed.

I should have called him.

I should have told him where I've been.

I didn't answer his text. I didn't know what to say to him.

Oh god... I wonder if he knows about... what happened to me.

**Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck FUCK**

He'll never want to be with me again.

I didn't tell Kurt.

I can't.

He'll hate me too.

**Fuck**.

I don't know what to do.

**What do I do?**


	25. November 29 8:36pm

November 29

8:36pm

Sebastian keeps texting me.

I don't know what to do.

I'm completely freaking out, and I know that Kurt has noticed.

I don't want to tell him.

I'm so scared of what he'll say. What if he kicks me out?

Should I answer the texts?

I've ignored them so far, but he sounds like he's getting more and more angry with me.

I hate it when he gets angry.

He didn't even come to see me in the hospital.

He probably doesn't even love me.

**Fuck. I'm so confused.**

I made Kurt lock the door to my room tonight before we crawled into bed.

He looked really sad and I know he wanted to ask me about it.

But he didn't.

Thank god.


	26. November 30 8:13pm

November 30

8:13pm

'Counting Stars' by Augustana

He gave me stars.

I don't even know what to say.

Kurt gave me stars.

November 30

8:35pm

'Stars' by Grace Potter & the Nocturnals

Sorry... I literally couldn't think of anything else to write before.

I spent like 20 minutes sitting here listening to every star-related song I could find and drawing all of the ones on this page, because I didn't know how to explain what I'm thinking right now.

After everything that happened... Kurt remembered what I said about missing the stars out my window at Dalton. He remembered that. Such a simple little thing, but it means so much.

When I opened my eyes and saw all of them sparkling down at me, I couldn't even breathe.

I couldn't believe that he would do something like that... for me.

I was so scared about Sebastian and the texts he sent me that I couldn't sleep at all last night and I think Kurt realized it. He knew how scared I was and he did all of this to help me sleep.

I was afraid to tell him about Sebastian. But after seeing all those stars...

It's like he knows me better than I know myself.

He constantly knows what I'm thinking and he always says the right things to calm me down.

It's like he's a part of me... or something. I don't know... I can't even explain it.

What was that Carole said about Soulmates?


	27. December 1 07:16am

( It's December! ) December 1

7:16am

'Thank You For Loving Me' by Bon Jovi

I just woke up!

That was the best sleep that I've had in... forever.

I didn't wake up even once!

Last night, Kurt and I laid in my bed and counted the stars together. It was amazing.

We lost count so many times because there are so many of them.

I can't imagine how long it took him to put them all up there.

I feel a lot better today.

After my talk with Carole, I don't feel as scared about Sebastian.

I think her and Burt are going to watch out for me.

And Kurt... He knew exactly what I needed when he got the stars for me.

Even after he fell asleep last night, I still just laid there and counted them. My mind just kinda slipped away and I wasn't thinking about horrible, awful scary things for the first time in a long time. I was just... comfortable.

7:22am

'Breakaway' by Kelly Clarkson

Oh yeah! I almost forgot to tell you...

Kurt woke up with the funniest hair this morning. I tried not to laugh at him, but I think he heard me giggle.

He ran away really fast to go downstairs and fix it.

I thought he looked adorable.

As soon as he gets back, we're gonna go make pancakes for breakfast before he has to leave for school.

I almost forgot that he had to leave his morning. It's going to be hard to stay here all day without him.

I know Carole will be here but, it's just not the same.

**I need Kurt.**


	28. December 1 07:34am

December 1

7:34am

'When You're Gone' by Avril Lavigne

I don't even feel like talking or writing or anything at all right now.

Today started out so good, but then I remembered that he's leaving soon.

I'm just so scared.

I can't even breathe.

Kurt hasn't said much to me this morning.

He just went downstairs to get ready for school and I haven't seen him since.

It's like... he can't even wait to get out of here.

I just feel like in a few minutes he's going to be gone, with his own life and his own friends and his own... everything, and I'm going to be right here.

By myself.

It's true.

I have been... distant.

And I'm sorry.

I'm just... trying to practice what life is going to be like without Kurt.


	29. December 2 03:07am

December 2

3:07am

'Cough Syrup' by Young the Giant

He thought I was going to hurt myself.

**Kill myself. **

Kurt thought I was going to kill myself.

I ... I didn't even know what to do.

I didn't know what to say to him.

He looked so scared.

I wasn't going to... I swear, I wasn't.

I don't even know what happened.

I was scratching my wrists again. I could still feel the handcuffs and I just wanted them... off.

I could see what was happening, and I could see the blood but I couldn't stop scratching.

Back when I was... _there_... I thought about it. I thought about how much I hated what was happening to me and how much I hated them.

I hated myself for letting it happen and I hated that I was always going to be ruined.

I even tried it once.

They'd left me out of the cage for some reason. I can't remember why.

My hands were still tied and it hurt so much to move around but I crawled to a table and found the knife that they..._used for other stuff _... and I cut the ropes off my hands.

Then I just held the knife in my hands for a long, long time.

I thought about how much easier it would be.

I wouldn't have to hear my dad yelling at me and calling me horrible names.

I wouldn't have to... _do stuff_ with Sebastian if I didn't want to.

But most of all, I wouldn't have to see **them**.

Hear them.

_Feel_ them.

I remember having to close my eyes.

I didn't want to watch myself do it.

It hurt... A lot.

When the pain started I remember opening my eyes and seeing the blood.

There wasn't a lot so I knew I hadn't done it right.

I remember thinking that I was such an idiot that I couldn't even do THAT properly...

I was just about to try again when the door flew open and he threw me into the wall. The knife went flying out of my hand and he started yelling at me about 'damaging his property'.

**Property**.

That's all I was.

Property.

I got punished that night. It was one of the worst times.

After he finished - I was really mad at myself for not doing it properly.

**Fuck**.

I can't be like this anymore.

I just want to feel like... it might eventually be okay again. Right now I'm not so sure.

Kurt said he's going to help me cut my hair.

It still amazes me that he always seems to know what I need, even though I'm never able to tell him.

I just need to see... '_me_' in the mirror again.

The guy in there right now scares the hell out of me.

Kurt said he had to go find a few things before we could get started.

I hope he'll come back soon.

Maybe I'll listen to another song from the CD he made me while I wait...


	30. December 2 06:12am

December 2

6:12am

'Until You' by Shayne Ward

It's gone.

My hair... it's all... _gone_.

All the stupid long ugly curls that were always hanging down in my face... they're gone.

Finally.

I... I can hardly even recognize myself in the mirror right now.

I look so... sick and skinny.

And my eyes... look... weird.

But... at least I can kinda see that it's me again.

I'm not scared of the guy looking back at me now. I know that I'm in there... _somewhere_.

Kurt...

I don't even know what words to use.

He saved me.

He helped me get rid of the awful person in the mirror and... showed me that everything is going to be better now.

I'm safe.

I'm... home.

I'm back.


	31. December 3 10:48am

December 3

10:48am

'Never Gonna Be Alone' by Nickelback

Okay... so... a lot has happened in the last 24 hours.

Like... a lot.

First of all, Kurt and I were in the kitchen doing dishes after lunch (I showed Mr. Hummel how to make grillders!) Everything was going okay until I dropped the stupid glass. It exploded and I think the sound really freaked Kurt out. He fell down on the floor and was pressing his hands to his ears. He looked really, really scared. He snapped out of it eventually, but he refused to talk about it.

Stupid me... I couldn't get any of the words out to even bring it up. I tried talking about the motel, but I couldn't get out what I wanted to say. I wanted to tell him that I was so sorry I got him involved. Everything that happened was my fault and I'm so sorry about it. But I couldn't even get the words out.

I hate it when I can't talk. I feel like a stupid child.

He needed me and I couldn't help him.

Anyways... after that happened, Kurt pretended to be okay and we made cookies. COOKIES! I showed him how to make peanut butter cookies just like I used to with gramps. I think he really liked them. I know Mr. Hummel did. He ate like 10.

We did dishes again after our snack and we had a food fight. There was peanut butter EVERYWHERE! And Mr. Hummel wasn't even mad at us! Can you believe it? The funniest part was when Kurt said the quotes from Lion King. I didn't even get scared when he held me still like that. I thought it might freak me out but it didn't. It was just Kurt. Nothing scary.

After we cleaned up the mess, Kurt helped me have a nice bath. I got into the tub by myself this time so it wasn't as embarrassing. Then he just sat by the edge of the bathtub and helped me scrub my back and sang nice songs to me.

It was perfect.

Like Kurt.

So... the next scary part happened while we were watching Fox and the Hound. Finn came home from school, but when he slammed the door Kurt kind of... lost it. He fell down on the floor and was really freaking out. I didn't know what to do. He was wiping at his face, and he kept saying things that really, really scared me. When I reached out to touch him he pushed me.

It didn't hurt that much, and I know that he didn't mean to do it... but it took all of my strength to not cry. I just wanted to help him.

I tried talking and holding his hand but nothing was working. He was so scared.

Finally, I tried touching my forehead to his. I remember Kurt doing it with me, and it... soothed me.

I think it worked. He eventually he snapped out of it, but god... I was terrified. I'm not sure what he thought was happening.

It made me wonder though, I felt so helpless - is that what he felt like every time I had a panic attack? If that's the case, I feel awful. Even with everything else I've been through, seeing Kurt hurting like that was the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I just wanted to help him. I needed to.

Something amazing happened after that. The phone rang and Mr. Hummel came in and told me that the doctor's office called. At first... I thought it was something bad and that I would have to leave. I really didn't want to, but I would have, if he'd asked me to. I don't like imposing.

But it wasn't bad at all! In fact, it was incredible! I'm not sick! I couldn't even believe it! Carole said I'll have to be retested in a little while, but for now, everything looked... okay.

I don't even know HOW that can be possible... I thought for sure that I would be infected.

I was so scared that it was going to be bad and that Kurt would hate me and the Hudmels would kick me out. But... it wasn't. It was okay. Everything turned out okay.

Well... Kind of okay. I still think there's something going on with Kurt. I wish he would talk to me. Hell, I wish I was brave enough to ask him about it. I worry about him so much. He's been so strong, but no one has paid attention to him and how he's feeling.

I'm going to try and be brave and talk to him about it soon.

I just need Kurt to be okay. I really, really care about him.


	32. December 3 4:08pm

December 3

4:08pm

'Safe and Sound' by Taylor Swift ft. Civil

We didn't accomplish much today.

No cookies or food fights or baths.

It was kind of nice actually - Kurt and I just hung out all day.

Carole stayed home from work today while Burt was back at the garage. She made us Kraft Dinner for lunch! I haven't had Mac & Cheese for EVER! It was delicious!

Kurt and I watched a couple movies (Disney of course), but mostly we just snoozed on the couch.

Carole didn't even seem to mind. She kept popping into the living room to check on us.

I can't even... _describe_... how much it means to me to be here.

It feels like the Hudmels genuinely care about me.

It's amazing.

Kurt still hasn't talked about what happened yesterday.

I think he's embarrassed. I think he feels that he let me down by being so vulnerable like that.

But he didn't let me down at all. If anything... I feel like it was important for him to let that out.

Does that even make sense?

As much as I wish Kurt would trust me and open up to me... I don't want to push him. He's been so kind and patient with me that I think I owe him at least that much in return.

I just want to make sure he's okay.


	33. December 3 9:58pm

December 3

9:58pm

''Vanilla Twilight" by Owl City

Kurt is sitting at my desk doing homework.

He let me 'help' with his Biology assignment a little bit. It felt pretty good. I actually miss school.

Finn brought home a couple of assignments that Kurt's teachers gave him to catch up on. I hope he didn't get too far behind from staying home with me. Semester break is coming up right after Christmas. I don't want him to get so far behind that he struggles with his exams.

I don't know what will happen with me. Will I ever be able to go back to school? I've missed so much. I really miss the normalcy of it. I tried so hard to keep up with the lessons, but when... um... _stuff_... started happening, it got harder and harder to keep up my schedule.

I don't want to be held back another grade.

I'm already one behind from the last time I was in the hospital.

At this rate, I'll be eighty years old in my senior year.

I thought about school a lot today...

I wonder how much people... _know_.

Like... do the guys from football know what happened to me? What about the Warblers?

I know Nick said he'd keep things to himself, but I'm sure he told Jeff. He tells Jeff everything. Who else did he tell?

It makes me a bit nervous.

I don't know how I'll ever face everyone again. Even seeing Finn has been excruciating. The looks he gives me - I don't know what he's thinking. I don't know if he's angry, or revolted by me. It makes me feel like he hates me. Like I'm some disgusting monster that he doesn't even recognize.

I don't think I could handle it if everyone looked at me like that...


	34. December 4 05:33am

December 4

5:33am

Kurt has to go back to school today.

I knew it was coming - Mr. Hummel told us last night that it was time for him to go back, but that doesn't make it feel any easier.

I'm really scared.

Not even for me. But for Kurt.

He still hasn't talked to me about what's been bothering him. I know he's afraid. Terrified even.

I heard him crying last night. I'm pretty sure he thought I was asleep. I wasn't.

I just wanted to reach over and hold him. Tell him that he's okay - that he's safe.

But I couldn't.

What if... what if he panics at school and I'm not there?

What if he gets hurt? Or scared? Or... worse...

Damn it. I wish I would've been brave enough to talk to him yesterday.

I tried... a couple times... but every time I opened my stupid mouth the words got stuck. Again.

**I don't want him to go.**


	35. December 4 07:49am

December 4

7:49am

He's gone.

Kurt just left for school.

We didn't say much this morning when he was getting ready.

I didn't know what to say.

I probably couldn't have talked even if I'd wanted to.

We ate some toast and then he packed up his books and left.

He didn't say goodbye again, but he texted me from Finn's car.

I think he's worried. I've never seen him look so sad. Usually he hides it from me better, but today it was written on his face, plain as day.

**He's scared.**


	36. December 4 11:01am

December 4

11:01am

Kurt's been texting me quite a bit so far.

He seems to be doing okay.

I hope he is anyway.

Carole is home again today.

She said we could do something in the kitchen later if I feel like it, I'm not so sure.

I think I'm just going to lie down on the couch and wait for Kurt to text me again.

I hope he's okay.


	37. December 4 1:10pm

December 4

1:10pm

'Somewhere Over the Rainbow' by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole

So today has been kind of... up and down-ey.

I was so worried, but Kurt and I texted back and forth all morning while he was at school and I think it helped us both relax.

I have no idea how he manages to do it, but once again Kurt caught me by complete surprise. This morning after he left, I went to get something from my room and I found another CD.

He... recorded himself reading a book... for me.

**Harry. Potter.**

Can you believe that?

**Kurt. Read Harry Potter. Just for me.**

There was a little note with it that said he woke up this morning when I was still sleeping and he went downstairs to his bedroom and recorded it before he got ready for school.

He only had time for the first four chapters, but... it's so perfect.

His voice... his perfect voice... it's like, each one of his words wraps around me just like his arms do, and makes me feel warm and safe. Even though he can't physically be here while he's at school, I still get to hear his voice. It's... beautiful.

**(And it's Harry freakin' Potter!)**

I think I'll listen to the first few chapters this afternoon while I wait for Kurt to come home.

God, he's so perfect.


	38. December 4 1:16pm

December 4

1:16pm

' Perfect ' by P!nk

Oh yeah!

I was so excited about Harry Potter that I almost forgot!

Carole is going to call the school! She said she's going to talk to Principal Figgins and see if my teachers will send home all my coursework so I can get caught up! She told me that she doesn't want me to get behind. She also said that I'm welcome to stay at home for as long as I like, until I feel good enough to go back to school, but she also told me that I don't even have to go back at all if I'm not comfortable.

It's my decision.

She's letting me choose.

I can't believe it.

Kurt sounded really excited when I texted him about it. He said he'd help me catch up and that we can study for finals together.

It's going to be tough... I've missed a lot of school, but I really **really** want to finish this semester and be on track for the second half of the year.

I think I can do it. I really do.

Wow... Kurt and the Hudmels are so... perfect.

I can't stop smiling.


	39. December 4 9:13pm

December 4

9:13pm

'Bridge of Light' by P!nk

I feel much better than I did this morning.

Kurt got back from school on time this afternoon. He said it actually went okay.

He also brought me this massive pile of books from my teachers. Apparently they all got together and figured out the lesson plans for the rest of the semester and gave me some extra credit assignments to catch up on so I can still finish on time.

Some of them even included little notes of encouragement.

I was so touched.

It's going to be super hard to catch up and even more difficult to prepare for all my exams that are coming after Christmas, but Kurt said that he'd help me and Carole promised that she'd help where she could too. Even Mr. Hummel offered to help. It was funny because Kurt was standing behind him shaking his head really fast and mouthing '_No! Don't do it!'_

Apparently Mr. Hummel is not the best tutor.

I still can't even believe how supportive they all are. It blows me away.

Finn came for supper. He even asked me to pass him the peas.

He didn't look at me when he said it... but... at least it's something.

Maybe things are going to start looking up now.

Or maybe he just really wanted the peas...


	40. December 8 09:38am

December 8

9:38am

'Go the Distance' by Michael Bolton

I haven't written in here in DAYS!

I've been so busy catching up on my schoolwork that I haven't even thought about my journal! Ooooops!

I'm so thankful for attending Dalton last year. It was far more advanced than McKinley so I've already learned a lot of this stuff. History still sucks, but my other classes aren't too bad at all. I've always been really good at math, and I'm almost completely finished the Biology lessons that Ms. Clark sent home for me. Coach Beiste said she'd figure something out for my gym mark so I'd say that it's been going really well actually! I've been putting in almost as many school hours as Kurt, but I'm staying at home while he actually attends class. It was hard at first, but then we just kinda got used to it. We still text a bunch of times during the day. I think it helps us relax a little, knowing that we're both safe and doing okay.

Carole and Mr. Hummel...or um...Burt... have been so amazing through all of it too. Carole even helped me with editing my lab assignment yesterday! I guess being a nurse means you know a lot of biology! Kurt was right about Mr. Hummel though, he hasn't been able to help me very much with my assignments, but he's always coming into my room with snacks for me while I'm studying!

I'd better get going... Carole said that I can try taking my sling off for a little while today and see how it feels! I sure hope my shoulder holds out! I'm sick of wearing this stupid thing!

I wonder if this means I can try playing the piano soon?


	41. December 8 16:47pm

December 8

4:47pm

'Safe' by Westlife

My shoulder didn't hurt!

I took my sling off for a little bit today and Carole helped me move it around a little bit to test it out. There was no pain, which was super awesome, but I can't believe how weak it feels. It's like that time my dad pushed me and I broke my ankle when I was little. After being on crutches for so long my ankle got really weak. My shoulder feels just like that. Hopefully it will get stronger as time passes. I really want to try playing the piano.

Carole asked me something today. It kind of... freaked me out, but I think I managed to keep my cool about it so she didn't notice.

She asked me if I would consider going to physiotherapy to help with my shoulder. She said it wasn't like... the mental kind of therapy... I wouldn't have to talk about what happened, but just work to strengthen my shoulder.

I kind of just shrugged. I didn't know what to think. I really really really don't want to go back to the hospital. I know it won't hurt as much to ride in the car now, so it's not that I'm worried about the pain... I just... I feel safe here in the house. I don't want to leave.

Oh... also...

Since I couldn't make myself actually TALK to Kurt, I tried texting him to see if he was okay. He still just brushed it off and pretended that he's fine.

**I know he's not fine.**


	42. December 11 09:22am

December 11

9:22am

'Hold On' by Michael Buble

Ack!

I forgot to write again all weekend.

Kurt and I were busy doing homework for most of the weekend. He's helping me catch up with all of my assignments. It's going really well actually. I'm almost done all of the Biology stuff already! I should be nearly caught up with everyone at school.

We had a really great weekend actually. There were a few Christmas movies on TV already... can you believe that? It's only the 11th!

Speaking of Christmas...

I'd really like to get something for Kurt. And for the Hudmels too.

They've been so kind to me.

There's just one problem...

I don't have any money and I really don't want to go shopping anywhere.

I guess I could ask Abby if I could work for her again at the bakery. But... I really don't want to leave here. I know that's probably really dumb. I just need to grow up.

But... I just really like it here. No one looks at me like... that.

Nobody screams or yells at me and they certainly don't...

No. I'm not even gonna think about that...

I can't think about that.


	43. December 11 09:36am

December 11

9:36am

Carole asked me about physio again.

I know it's the right thing to do. I want my shoulder to get better, I really do.

But... I don't...

I can't leave here.

I don't want to leave the house.

I'm so scared.

I'm scared about seeing people and I'm scared about what they'll think of me. It's like... even people that don't know me... I'm scared that they'll be able to see it. They'll see something... my face, or something and they'll just know. It's like I'm wearing a big flashing sign that says ' I'm fucked up.' or ' I'm the guy that got raped thirty three times' or ' I'm disgusting.'

They're going to know.

I can't handle it if they know.

Fuck.

I'm feeling panicky again.

I haven't felt like this in a long time.

**I need Kurt.**


	44. December 11 09:43am

December 11

09:43am

I think I screwed up.

I feel like such an idiot.

I told Kurt.

I told him that I'm still scared.

I told him I didn't want to go outside.

What was I thinking?

He's so... upset right now as it is... I should have kept it to myself.

He's probably freaking out at school right now.

I'm such an idiot.

Selfish, stupid idiot.


	45. December 15 7:19pm

December 15

7:19pm

' People Like Us' by Kelly Clarkson

I just realized that I haven't written in here for a few days.

Things are a little better since my last entry. Kurt came home that day. We didn't talk. I think he wanted to... hell... I wanted to... But neither of us could make the words come out.

We ended up awkwardly sitting on the couch and watching Lion King. Again.

Mr. Hummel wasn't even mad that Kurt came home from school. He kind of just... gets it.

Things have been kind of weird over the last couple days.

It's like... a stalemate. Nothing really... good has happened, but nothing really horrible either.

Kurt's still having nightmares but he still won't talk about it. Finn is still ignoring me like usual.

Oh! I'm starting physio tomorrow!

I'm... actually really nervous about it.

The therapist's name is Marie. Carole had her come over yesterday to meet me before our sessions start. She actually seems pretty nice. It was very strange to meet someone new. It's been a long time... She's going to come here for our sessions instead of me having to leave the house to meet with her. Carole set that up. I'm so grateful.

I couldn't talk to Marie while she was here. I feel kind of bad about that. I had a hard time even looking at her. I wonder how much Carole told her...


	46. December 16 2:18pm

December 16

2:18pm

' Try ' by Nelly Furtado

I had my first physio session today.

Marie just left a few minutes ago actually.

It went... okay.

She didn't really do much. She took the sling off my shoulder and had me rotate it around a little bit and squeeze her fingers to see what my strength is like.

It was kind of awkward.

I'm glad Kurt was home with me today. I needed him.

He sat beside me and put his hand on my knee when he noticed that I got a little weirded out.

Carole was really good too. I'm glad she was home with me today for this as well.

Marie is very kind. She doesn't talk loud and she never made me do anything I didn't want to. She always told me what to expect and what it might feel like.

I'm surprised that my shoulder doesn't ache right now. We moved it around a lot more than what I have been able to lately.

Hopefully that's a good sign.


	47. December 18 4:19pm

December 18

4:19pm

'Stay Strong' by Michael Stagliano

I had physio again today.

We worked a lot harder today.

Marie brought some weights and stuff for me to try. She asked me to try lifting them several different ways. It was weird... they weren't even that heavy but my arm felt so weak when I tried to lift them.

I'm a little bit sore now. It's not bad, only like a dull ache.

It just feels I'm really tired or something.

Kurt said he'd help me have a nice bath tonight, so I'm sure that will help.

I wonder if he'll sing to me again.

Carole said I could have a shower if I wanted to, but I really like the bath.

The bubbles... and Kurt.

He helps me feel like I can do this. It's going to be hard... but Kurt gives me strength and courage. He always has.


	48. December 19 3:01pm

December 19

3:01pm

I can't do this.

My fucking shoulder hurts so much.

I told her I needed to stop. I told her. Even with words.

She said I had to keep pushing. She said it was important.

She wouldn't listen to me.

This is bullshit. I can't fucking do it.

I'll never be able to play piano again and I definitely won't be able to play guitar.

Not like I even have a guitar left to play anymore.

I hate this.

I wish Kurt was here. He's at school today and I'm stuck here with nothing.

I fucking hate this.

**I just want to give up.**


	49. December 19 4:57pm

December 19

4:57pm

'Not Alone' by Linkin Park

I feel like an idiot.

I freaked out. Like... really bad.

Carole must have told Kurt. He started calling me and I could tell he was upset.

He missed the last bit of his French class today because of me.

No wonder he still has nightmares... He still has to deal with me being freaked out all the time.

He came home and he talked to me through the door until I unlocked it.

Then he just... hugged me.

I felt so stupid.

Guilty.

After everything I did... he just hugged me.

I didn't deserve it.

He should have yelled at me. He should have been disappointed, or angry that I made him miss his class. There are only a couple days left before Christmas break. Every day is important.

But he wasn't mad, or disappointed... he just looked sad.

Carole brought me a heating pad for my shoulder. I couldn't even look at her. I feel so ashamed. She told me that Marie would like to see me once more before Christmas, but that it's my decision whether or not we make the appointment.

I didn't answer.


	50. December 20 12:12pm

December 20

12:12pm

'Wish You Were Here' by Cody Simpson

I miss Kurt.

I know that's stupid. He's only been gone for a few hours...

He just... keeps me sane, and he makes me feel safe.

Kurt had another nightmare last night.

He's had one every night this week.

I almost woke him up this time, but... I was kind of scared to.

He sounded so terrified.

I wish I could just talk to him... maybe it would help.

I wish he didn't have to go to school.

I wish he could just stay home with me every day.

We could watch movies and make cookies and... read Harry Potter.

He's been texting me a lot, but it's not the same.

I wish we could just talk all day long, every second.

That way we would never have to be alone again.


	51. December 21 1:23pm

December 21

1:23pm

'Best of Me' by Christina Aguilera

Marie came back today.

It was weird... and awkward. I felt like an idiot.

She didn't seem to mind. She told me that there are going to be hard days and setbacks. She said that's part of therapy. But she told me that the most important thing is that we keep trying. She actually said something about getting back on the horse, but I didn't really get it.

I've never ridden a horse before.

You know what else happened today?

I talked to her... Marie I mean.

I didn't even realize it, but all of a sudden I realized that I'd answered her question with words. Then I asked her a question. It was... strange.

She didn't make a big deal out of it, but I noticed that she did ask me a lot more questions than usual. And I answered them.

I guess I should have trusted her the other day instead of freaking out. She knows what she's doing and Carole says that she never meant to hurt me or break my trust.

She's actually really really nice.

She told me today that if my shoulder feels up to it, I can take the sling off a bit every day and that I can even try playing piano now!

I think I'm going to ask Carole if I can try playing before Kurt comes home from school.

I want to surprise him.


	52. December 21 2:22

December 21

2:22pm

'Firework' by Katy Perry

I did it!

I played the piano!

It was amazing!

It's such a beautiful instrument. Kurt's mom must have taken really good care of it. It was a little bit out of tune, but I expected that since it hadn't been played in so long.

God... the FEELING of playing again was... outstanding.

The cool, crisp feeling of the keys under my fingers... I could feel the vibrations from every note echo through my whole body. It sent shivers up my spine.

I hadn't played the piano since that day in the auditorium with Kurt.

I forgot how free it makes me feel.

Like there is nothing in the world that can hurt me. Nothing.

I was pretty rusty, and my fingers started to cramp up a lot quicker than they used to... but I don't care... I did it.

I played the piano!

I think Carole was listening from the kitchen. When I went in there after I'd finished playing she had a really big smile on her face. And maybe even a couple tears.

She looked... proud... of me.

**I can't wait to play again.**


	53. December 21 4:48pm

December 21

4:48pm

'Here Comes the Sun' by The Beatles

**Kurt's home!**

We're sitting at the table in the kitchen right now. He has a little bit of homework he has to finish tonight. I got done all of mine before he got here.

He printed off these neat pictures for me to color. Apparently he did some research and these pictures are really relaxing or something. He said coloring will also help my dexterity come back so I can play the piano when I'm ready!

He doesn't even know that I already played today! I'm keeping it a secret!

Not the bad kind of secret, but a good one! A REALLY good one!

I'm going to surprise him when I get a little bit better at playing again.

Carole told me she wouldn't tell him. She's pretty excited too!

Well... I'm going to get back to coloring!

December 21

5:12pm

Kurt just told me that we're going to watch Happy Feet tonight!

I've never seen it before!

He said its like... the best ever!

**I LOVE PENGUINS!**


End file.
